Tuesday, March 6, 2007

first choice?

I saw this link on an adoptive parents' website I visit frequently. It's about an adoptee's thoughts on being her parents' "second choice," in the sense that if they could have had biological children they most likely would not have adopted her.

http://heartmindandseoul.typepad.com/weblog/2007/03/the_runnerup_is.html

It's painful to imagine my own children might ever feel this way, but realistically it would be very natural for them. And it's a double whammy - to an adoptee, it can too easily seem that they were not "first choice" for EITHER their biological parents or their adoptive parents. Ouch.

Like many adoptive parents, we did try to conceive before starting the adoption process. Unlike some, we also always hoped to adopt someday. When we ran up against infertility, we decided to forego any treatments and proceed directly to adoption. We knew we were already interested in adopting, even if we eventually conceived, and it just seemed like adopting was the right way for us to become parents. Will knowing this help Alex or Sam? I don't know. What I DO know is that I have absolutely no regrets. I can't imagine life with any other children besides the two I have. I may not be able to keep them from internalizing the messages society sends to adoptees, but I hope we'll be able to have honest dialogue about it all someday.

1 comment:

Mommavia said...

I feel the same way. We tried to conceive for a short time before deployments and cancer prevented us from trying more. We had become very good friends with a family who had a daughter who was born in China and was in process for their second daughter. It seemed right that adoption was going to bring our children to us.

I know I can't control how Jack will eventually feel, but I know I can reassure him that we all belong together.